Apostle Dr. Peggy Elliott

WHAT IS SPIRITUAL ABUSE?

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Spiritual abuse is when a minister (male or female) in authority (the perpetrator), uses their authority to manipulate and control another person (the victim).  Shame is often used as the primary tool to maintain control over the victim. Spiritual abuse is often administered under the guise of religion, it is the misuse of power and control. What I have just described is how an individual person perpetuates spiritual abuse.  Spiritual abuse often is systematic, focusing on manipulation and control. Systematic spiritual abuse is seen in churches where the needs of the people are not getting met, but the needs of the leadership is.  The systems within this type of church impact many of the congregants.   Systematic spiritual abuse ensures that the leader is getting his or her personal needs met and feels great fulfillment.  This type of leadership is prideful, egotistical, and arrogant and the person who is spiritually abusive dominates, subordinates or silences other individuals.

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Sara, (not her real name), and her two young children, one of daycare age, were new in town, relocating from Florida to Minnesota.  Sara was staying with a friend while she looked for a job as an administrative assistant to a pastor. She had over ten years of experience in two different churches, in this type of position and her references were impeccable. Sara received a text from a friend who lived in Minnesota telling her about a church looking for an administrator for their pastor.  Excited about this open door, Sara scheduled an interview and was interviewed by both the current administrator, the Assistant Pastor and the Senior Pastor.  During the interview, Sara felt a little uncomfortable with what she considered to be intense stares at her when she answered questions, but she minimized how she felt, thinking it was just her nerves. Impressed with Sara’s responses to the interview questions and her references, she was hired within two weeks.

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The past administrator trained Sara on the job.  All appeared well until the last day of training, the old administrator said, “Do whatever the pastor tells you to do and don’t ask any questions, just do it.” She sounded intense and afraid.  Sara felt those uncomfortable feelings again and for good reason.  At the end of her first day on the job, the pastor called Sara into his office, informing her that she was to stay overtime whenever he demanded and she to never question his request, only to be obedient. Being newly hired, Sara was not going to put her job in jeopardy, even though her feelings of discomfort intensified. She asked the pastor if he could give her at least a one-day notice when he would need her to remain after hours, so that she could make childcare arrangements for her children.  He told her that he did not make the decision until the end of the day and was not going to change just to suit her. He refused to understand her dilemma and did not want to hear her excuses and told her that she was a fool to have two children and not be married.  If Sara wanted to keep her job, she needed to honor his request or find another job. 

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It is clear how this pastor used shame and manipulation to over-power Sara. She did not want to lose a job she desperately needed and the pastor knew this and that she would do what he said to keep her position. 

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SPIRITUAL ABUSE IDENTIFIERS

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How do you know if you as an individual or if the church members are being abused spiritually?

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A.     Spiritual Abuse and an Individual

 

·         You are valued for what you do, your job function, but not for who you are.  In a spiritually abusive relationship, your self-esteem is low.  You’ve learned a long time ago that you, the person, are not important, but what you can do for someone is. Your fear is that if you can no longer perform a job, or whatever you are asked to do, who will feel you are worth being helped?

 

·         You are constantly being put down, even in front of others.  Spiritual abusers are narcissists.  A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. For them to feel superior, they overtly put others down. Not only does the one who is being shamed feels uncomfortable but those within ear-shot feel uncomfortable also yet no one says anything to this ‘spiritual giant, fearing retaliation, and rightly so. When confronted with a discontent church volunteer or employee, the abuser either changes the topic, gets defensive or gets mad at you when you try to talk about difficulties you've been experiencing. Narcissists have a listening dis-order.  They enjoy one-sided conversations with only themselves doing the talking and may be quick to become angry if you attempt to express your own opinion.

 

·         The abuser gets joy out of watching people squirm in their presence. Inappropriate jesters, comments, or touches are displayed publicly without any concern of how this makes individuals feel who the behavior is directed towards or to those who are in full view of what is happening.  Due to the nature of the abuser’s position of power and authority, no one says or does anything to the abuser.

 

 

·         The abuser sets themselves up to be ‘god-like’, demanding that they be obeyed. Rigid belief takes precedence over the needs of the individuals.

 

·         You, the victim of spiritual abuse, are preoccupied with people-pleasing, never wanting anyone to be angry with you.  People-pleasing usually begins within the home and is carried over into the church.

 

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B.     Systematic Spiritual Abuse

 

·         Often, a systematic spiritually abusive system appears to be patriarchal in nature.  Such a system can be defined as a system where men are in authority over women in all aspects of a culture.  Systematic spiritual abuse became a national issue when the Roman Catholic Church attempted to cover up the fact that numerous priests had abused unknown numbers of young boys.  A grand attempt was made to keep the deep dark secrets by covering up and silencing the victims.  The needs of the abusive priests were put first, far and above meeting the needs of the victims. 

 

·         I have seen this behavior displayed with some church leaders pertaining to raising money for church activities, such as a church anniversary.  Each church member is charged with giving a certain amount in the offering during the anniversary service. After the anniversary offering is raised and counted, and the goal is not met, the church leader will continue to lift offerings often using guilt and shame. If it takes two or three more times to meet the goal, several offerings will be lifted but if the budget is still not met, the guilt and shame begins. Once in an extreme situation, a pastor not only lifted offering four times, but was going to persist until he raised every dime he determined was needed. I left the service at this point, so I don’t know the outcome. 

 

The root of spiritual abuse is sin.  Spiritual abuse is ageless, timeless, colorless, and genderless and  it attacks people of all groups and ages. I experienced spiritual abuse from a Sunday school teacher when I was eleven years old.  He openly told me in front of the class that I needed to lose weight, so he was going to make sure that I handed out the materials for class, causing me to move and walk for exercise.  The shame was almost unbearable! I felt like I could do nothing to make him apologize or to make the pain stop. 

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8 STEPS TO HEALING FROM SPRITUAL ABUSE

 

My suggestions are for you to have alternative ways to allow yourself to heal. 

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1.       TALK TO A TRUSTED CHURCH LEADER. Talk to someone that you trust, who can assist you in walking through the process of healing regarding your experience.  Quite often, when we are deeply hurt, we suppress the memory of the situation even though it affects how we view church leaders and the church at large.   Give yourself permission to trust once again. Every church leader is not abusive, many are not. In the process of sharing your pain, you will find your voice again.  Ask Jesus to help you forgive the individual or individuals and for healing so that you can move on to continue growing and developing spiritually.

 

2.      STEP DOWN FROM POSITIONS WHERE YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.  It is not okay for you to be abused! Knowing that you have the right and the option to leave a position where you are being abused allows you to have power and control over your life.  Personal control is healing.

 

3.      ALLOW YOURSELF PERMISSION TO GRIEVE.  When you have experienced spiritual abuse, you lose time and faith believing in the church and its leaders. People often leave the church for quite some time, but no one comes after them or contacts them to see if they are okay.  It seems as if no one really cares and they may feel numb, angry, resentful, sad, or even depressed. These behaviors and feelings are all a part of a healthy healing process.  It is okay to be away from the church for a little while, but do not allow the enemy to keep you away forever.

 

4.      DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR THE ABUSE THAT HAPPENED.  From someone who has been a marriage and family therapist, who provides inner healing and deliverance, and also has had to heal from spiritual abuse, I know that you can attract into your life (regarding leadership) things you experienced at home.  This may be a hard pill to swallow but it is true.  You teach people how to treat you and that treatment started at home when you were a child. Therefore, until you see the need to be healed, you will attract into your life a someone who changes the topic and gets defensive or mad at you when you try to talk about difficulties you've been experiencing?

 

5.      NARCISSISTIC FUNCTIONING AT ITS CORE IS A DISORDER OF LISTENING. Narcissistic functioning at its core is a disorder of listening.  Think of it as one-sided listening with multiple features that emerge as a result.  The desire to sustain a friendship, never mind a love relationship, can quickly fade with someone who does not seem to see or hear you, dismissively pushes away what you say, and may be quick to anger if you attempt to express your viewpoint. Some individuals in leadership treat you the way you were treated growing up. In healing and deliverance, soul ties need to be broken off your life and entry points need to be sealed with prayers and the Balm of Gilead.

 

6.      TALK TO OTHERS YOU TRUST AND GET THEIR PERSPECTIVE.  It is not easy for you to see or even notice, but when you have been spiritually abused your thinking gets somewhat distorted.  It is not unusual to have the enemy tell you that all church leaders are abusive.  While you may know logically this is not true, your experience deems otherwise. Talk to friends who do not go to your church, but attend a church with healthy leadership and get their perspective. 

 

7.      READ THE WORD OF GOD AND PRAY.  Find all the scriptures you can about forgiveness and grace, both of which is free for you, given from the Lord Jesus Christ. In developing a strong devotional life, it will be the truth that will set you free.  Develop your relationship with God to become more intimate.  Ask God to allow you to discern early on when someone in leadership over you is abusive.  When God allows you to discern such behavior, ask Him to help you get in the right place, read the word, reflect on it, pray, and then walk it out.

 

8.      LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES. Often, a person who experiences spiritual abuse, almost always has boundary issues.  You feel obligated to do what you have been told or asked to do.  You say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’, this is people pleasing.  Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote a very successful book on how to set boundaries and when to say no without feeling guilty.

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* KEY TO REMEMBER:  Women in authority can also be spiritually abusive.

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My prayer for you is that if you can relate to needing healing from spiritual abuse, you take care of yourself immediately.  Begin by crying out to God and telling Him how you feel.  Let God love on you and let you know that you deserve to be treated respectfully. Until next month…be blessed.

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Next month, I will begin a three-part series on how to take a total congregation through inner healing. You won’t want to miss this!  I will be interviewing my pastor, who three months ago, asked me to do just that.  It is a model you may want to follow.